Apple iPad: An in depth review

While attending the latest shindig at KD and Cap’n Gassypants’ tastefully appointed yet relentlessly humble home, KD was quite excited to show off her new iPad.  After conducting tens of seconds of intensive and painstaking testing — during which I turned it on while holding it upside down,  pushed a button, shook it for a while and then drooled on myself a little bit — I came to the following conclusion:

This thing needs to be a phone.

Not for any reasons of practicality, but simply because I think it would be hilarious.  I can just picture talking to someone when suddenly their Black Eyed Peas “We Keep it Stinky” ring tone issues forth from their backpack, and they awkwardly pull out a giant iPhone, like a bad prop comic, and try to hold it to their ear with one hand without dropping it while sticking a finger in the other ear in a futile effort to block out the peals of derisive laughter spewing out of my cake hole.

I just realized that “bad prop comic” is redundant, as there is, of course, no such thing as a good prop comic.  In fact, according to an in-depth survey that I just made up,  95% of all the humans on earth agree that beating Carrot Top into a coma should qualify as community service.

But I digress.

On the other hand, the iPadPhone would get the best reception of any cell phone in history.  Seriously, with the size of the antenna Apple could fit in a phone the size of an iPad, you could talk to the fucking space shuttle.  In orbit.  Because that’s very far away, is the point I’m trying to make.

But KD seems to be quite delighted with her iPad, and finds it to be a useful and wonderfully practical tool for her technology needs.  Then again, she is willingly friends with me, of all people, so how smart can she really be.

Well, I’ll be a Fig Newton!

I spent Sunday evening at KD and Cap’n Gassypants’ tastefully appointed yet relentlessly humble abode, enjoying a delicious dinner of chicken catch-a-tory, fine beer on tap, and movies on their gargantuan HDTV, and I have one or two observations to share.

“Zombieland” is FUCKING AWESOME! Especially when you watch it while drinking the aforementioned fine beer on tap, eating fresh baked challah bread, and not losing your appetite watching zombies eating peoples heads. I even loved Woody Harrelson’s performance … and Woody Harrelson is an obnoxious, hemp loving, batshit insane hippie, entirely unworthy of my praise.

EVERYTHING in this photo is made of hemp and hippie tears!

KD, the Cap’n and I agree that this movie features the best euphemisms for sex we’ve ever heard — “Twenty Toes” , “Passing the gravy” and “Heels to Jesus“. Also, the best cameo in a movie — ever — by the brilliant Bill Murray in full zombie makeup throughout. Also also, the best death scene in movie history, courtesy, again, of Mr. Murray.

Oh … uh … SPOILER ALERT … if you haven’t seen Zombieland yet, don’t read the previous paragraph. You’re welcome.

Then, after stuffing our faces, and realizing I’d drunk too much beer and was going to need to hang out for a while before I could drive home, we decided to watch a cycling movie.

There are two cycling movies that every true cyclist has seen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s required by law in most states. Anyway, “Breaking Away” is the good one. We watched the other one.

That’s right, for reasons not entirely clear to me, this seemingly intelligent couple actually owns a copy of that cycling classic which features what is arguably Kevin Costner’s greatest performance … “American Flyers“

The glaring inaccuracies make this a cringeworthy movie for any cyclist. Costner’s character’s brother has never been in a bike race in his life, yet he’s allowed by USA Cycling to enter the biggest pro race in the country … the way USA Cycling never does … and he wins the race, of course, and as they travel across country to the race, they eat nothing but McDonald’s Big Macs and fries … the way pro racers never do.

As painfully inaccurate as this movie is, it is really fun to give it the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. Which we did. Mercilessly.

I’ve never enjoyed American Flyers more.

Also, even though I’ve always considered the 80′s to be the decade where music went to die, I have to admit that the soundtrack is awesome! Makes me want to put it on my iPod, crank it up, put on a pair of wool shorts and leather helmet, pretend I’ve got a sweet porn ‘stach just like Kevin, and ride my bike!

And run over some zombies!

We’ve reached rock bottom … and begun to dig.

I saw the worst movie ever made this past weekend.  I don’t mean that in an I-saw-a-mediocre-movie-and-I’m-being-all-hyperbolic-about-how-bad-I-thought-it-was-for-comedic-effect kind of way.  I mean that I literally saw what is, quite simply, the absolute worst movie ever made by a sentient being.

S…A…T.U.R…D.A.Y……SUCKS!

At least, this one does.  I just finished my last week at my current job by frying my few remaining brain cells counting nuts and bolts for the yearly inventory.  Yes, folks, the economic climate has claimed it’s latest victim. Your’s truly is out of work.  The best part is, I got the news of my layoff on Christmas Eve.

The uplifting effect that this news subsequently had on my holiday cannot be understressed.

A trip down memory lane.

I was staring at the TV, flipping through my “On Demand” menu last night, when lo and behold, I came upon a blast from my distant past. It was one of my favorite shows from when I was 8 or 9 years old.

“The Rat Patrol”!

The Squat Lobster Book ‘O The Month Club.

If you haven’t already, you’ve got to read “Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly “by Anthony Bourdain.  You know, the guy from the TV show No Reservations.  Equal parts laugh-out-loud funny and truly disturbing – often at the same time – you’ll never look at dining out the same way again, for better or worse.

I command you to read it.

And yes, I know it has been out for seven years … I just read it, OK?  Get off my back, already!  Jesus, what do you people want from me?